Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
