Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
