Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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