kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
