Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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