In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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