I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
