someone owes me an orgasm
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
