you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
