Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
