You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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