Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
