if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
