I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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