Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
