No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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