true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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