When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
