Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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