I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I will pee on everything he values.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
