She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
