Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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