Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
