If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
