R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
