I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
