Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just invented taco cereal.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
