During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
