Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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