my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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