I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
