So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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