I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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