I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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