He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
