My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
