last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
a search helicopter?!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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