I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
