Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
