you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
