All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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