stop calling my apartment porn island.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
