i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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