I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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