Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize