I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sext me about skeletons
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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