i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
