your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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