Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i barfeds in our rink
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
