the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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