ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize