Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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