I'm eating all of the evidence.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
