I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
