DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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