hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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