I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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