So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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