everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
