just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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