My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
