So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize