well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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