i just sent this text using only my big toe
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
