FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
