just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
